6- Surrender's Gift
But for a brief and tumultuous second marriage, I had been a single mother for more than a decade. Acutely aware that my ‘picker’ was broken, I vowed to remain single until I got that thing fixed! For many years I had been on an intense journey into personal growth. As an adult child of alcoholism and rampant co-dependency, I had addressed my family of origin, embraced my inner child, healed the woman who loved too much, balanced my inner masculine, and found the goddess within. I not only had the bookshelf to prove it, I had a counseling certification to boot! Working toward my license, I was determined to be the kind of counselor that had done my own work! Not to mention, the kind of woman that would never again be attracted to needy men. And while I was sure of what I didn't want I had no way of knowing what I would find in complete surrender.
I was in the middle of the living room floor, rocking back and forth, my arms tightly wrapped around me. The loneliness had gotten to such an excruciating level that I could no longer keep the tears at bay. I was beyond sadness. I literally ached with physical and emotional pain. My two young children tucked into their beds, I knew the only remedy was to embrace the emptiness that wanted release and cry it out. Several months before, I had moved into a picturesque farmhouse in the middle of a few hundred acres. A dream come true, I guess living that dream had amplified the loneliness of not having a partner to share it all with.
Loneliness aside, in many ways my life was the best it had ever been. In fact, someone special to share it all with seemed to be the only missing piece. I actually loved being independent and on my own. I was an artist and a writer and valued my alone time when the demands of motherhood, work, and school weren’t tugging at me. I guess this was just the night that it all came to a head. So many years of doing everything alone while raising two beautiful children, was finally taking it’s toll. What few friends I had were married, and I was never one for night life and partying. For the most part I was happy under my blanket of stars in my eighty year old farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. Falling asleep to the sound of crickets, waking to the birds singing, was my kind of music, and walking through fields of wildflowers was my kind of adventure. Nothing however, could have prepared me for the adventure the next morning would bring.
Allowing myself to cry the loneliness out the night before had resulted in a peaceful nights sleep. I awoke to my favorite summertime melody of birds as the breeze wafted through the open bedroom windows. There is nothing like the peacefulness of the country to soothe a weary soul. Warm sunshine and a gorgeous Saturday morning reminded me of all that was good in my life and coaxed me out for a walk through a pasture I had yet to explore. I got dressed and headed out knowing that the kids were good on their own and I’d be within shouting distance if needed.
As I waded through the tall pasture grass I reflected on the synchronistic way the farm had come to be our new home, and my gratitude for all that it had brought us. The property had three fishing ponds on it and because the surrounding pastures were leased to area ranchers separate from the property we occupied, we got to enjoy horses, cattle and sheep without being responsible for their care. The house itself was one of those great old places with 14 ft. ceilings and massive windows that were designed to allow for great cross breezes throughout every room. When we moved in I had explored the place from top to bottom and found a great antique walnut bed in the attic that I refinished for my son’s room with the landlords permission. Beautiful vintage pieces found their way into the house as I scoured tiny shops and garage sales, and in no time it felt like home. Of all the places I have lived, before or since, it has remained my favorite. Long before 'Law of Attraction' teachings were popularized I had intuitively used those principals to step into the life I was living here with my children. It felt amazing to actually walk within a reality I had spent so much heart-felt emotion imagining.
Walking deeper into the pasture I noticed a small rise in the distance and what looked like old iron fencing that had fallen in a bent and tangled heap. Curious, I moved toward the area, climbing the gradual incline through the thick grass. To my surprise I found myself surrounded by what seemed to be a long forgotten family cemetery. Because I am one of those strange beings that happen to love old cemeteries, I was fascinated by my discovery. I walked around the fencing and through headstones that ranged in dates from just before the turn of the last century through the mid-1900’s. Some were ornate marble works of art with precise engraving and designs carved into them. Others were crude blocks of cement with a single name that had been scratched into the near dry concrete. Some were in German and some in English.
Reading the headstones I could decipher, it was evident many generations had come to rest in this hallowed ground. What was also evident was the human drama that had been played out upon this land. Some epitaphs suggested young women had died in childbirth, and there were many children’s graves. Seemingly taken by fevers and various epidemics, in one section several siblings were clustered together as one by one the dates revealed they had lost their battles. I was greatly moved by the bittersweet, and devastatingly sad epitaphs. As a mother myself I could only imagine burying one child after another only weeks and sometimes days apart. The grief was as palpable as if the parents themselves surrounded me. Pushing aside the encroaching weeds and tall grass that covered much of the engraving, stone after stone became a math quiz as I deciphered the years between birth and death dates. The lack of longevity was apparent among those buried there. Only occasionally would I find someone past their sixties.
At the center of the mound, shade from a large tree blanketed the grave sites. Leaning against it, I looked out across the surrounding beauty of this land. In every direction, rolling hills and aging trees seemed to bare witness to a history I could only imagine. Moving to the edge of the cemetery, away from the stones and out past the fencing, I stood on the rise and gazed down at one of the ponds in the distance. I was filled with thoughts of all those that had come before me. Their hopes and dreams of family life, love and accomplishment, as well as their joys and sorrows were not so different than mine. My mind wandered to the the Native Americans who once occupied and had been driven off this land long ago, the settlers that had followed them, and later the immigrant farmers. First generation Americans born and buried here filled my mind as down through the years I moved closer and closer toward my own time. Gratitude filled me as I became profoundly aware of how blessed I was to call this wonderful place home. With healthy children, loving family, dear friends and work I was passionate about, I felt rich beyond measure. All hardship and loneliness fell away. Something inside me knew my life had purpose and that I was aligned with a type of unseen guidance. In that moment, just as I had given into the loneliness the night before, I gave in to the intuitive wisdom within me. In an act of absolute surrender I raised my face to the sky, closed my eyes, and with heartfelt sincerity whispered, “If it is your will that I be alone for the rest of my life, I accept that.” I had turned my will and my life over to a power greater than the small personality self that I, all too often, believed myself to be.
In a sudden sweep of all consuming expansion that I can only describe as timeless suspension, I was shifted into a state of revelation beyond this world. Freed from my limited physical aspect, I became awareness itself! It was as if the universe had been stilled. I was, at once, everything and nothing at all. I was literally at one with all that had come before me and with all that would ever follow. I was limitless, unbound and expansive beyond measure. I was in everything and everything was in me. Understanding filled me, as absolute truth replaced perception. In that very instant I knew beyond any doubt that this palpable wholeness was and is who I am…who we all are. Not separate beings, struggling to survive, but limitless oneness, complete and whole. I was experiencing my own higher minds awareness in magnificent, multi-dimensional expansion. Then, just as swiftly, I was back ‘inside’ my limited, physical state of being. But the message continued and revelation unfolded as it gently showed me what I have come to know as ‘the extraordinary nature of ordinary life’. Shaken and awestruck, I looked down and discovered that I was unknowingly straddling a crudely etched concrete marker, nearly buried in the ground. It bore a single name….my name!
In disbelief, I stooped to run my fingers slowly across the letters of my last name. Tears filled my eyes and I knew that a part of me had just died on that spot and was forever buried. I also knew that I would never be lonely again. I was forever changed and this change had been birthed by way of such complete surrender it was beyond any decision or mental exercise. From the moment I released all the pent up sorrow and struggle, and allowed myself to collapse in a heap of tears on my living room floor the night before, to the moment I was moved to turn my tiny will and my limited life over to the will of All-That-Is, I had unknowingly stepped into a state of complete and total alignment with the rest of me…my higher/expanded self! My surrender was met with an expansion into the Oneness that it is, as the tiny aspect that I believed myself to be died. My awareness had expanded and I knew I was now living from a completely different perspective. I no longer needed a partner to be complete. I was complete. I was whole. I was changed. Everything became more alive for me because I was more alive.
Two weeks later, the man who was to become my husband walked into my life. So matched were we, that only thirty-nine days passed from first date to marriage. He loved my farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, and my story of how I had surrendered the will of my personality so that my higher/expanded aspect could prepare me for someone like him; a mystic, a shaman and a teacher like none I had ever known. Surrender’s gift is that it introduces us to who we truly are, and then it aligns us with people, places and timelines that are waiting for our expanded awareness. From there we can move deeper into the expression of all that we truly are. Phil opened doors in my mind that I didn’t even know were there. He gave me the freedom and encouragement to walk through every one of them and he delighted in the gifts I found there. I gave him love and appreciation and just enough prodding to encourage and validate the gifts in him he was unable to see. Skeptics may discount my experience and nay-sayers will give no credence to the notion that my surrender brought Phil into my life. But I will always believe that our’s was truly a match made in Heaven; surrender’s gift!
Allowing myself to cry the loneliness out the night before had resulted in a peaceful nights sleep. I awoke to my favorite summertime melody of birds as the breeze wafted through the open bedroom windows. There is nothing like the peacefulness of the country to soothe a weary soul. Warm sunshine and a gorgeous Saturday morning reminded me of all that was good in my life and coaxed me out for a walk through a pasture I had yet to explore. I got dressed and headed out knowing that the kids were good on their own and I’d be within shouting distance if needed.
As I waded through the tall pasture grass I reflected on the synchronistic way the farm had come to be our new home, and my gratitude for all that it had brought us. The property had three fishing ponds on it and because the surrounding pastures were leased to area ranchers separate from the property we occupied, we got to enjoy horses, cattle and sheep without being responsible for their care. The house itself was one of those great old places with 14 ft. ceilings and massive windows that were designed to allow for great cross breezes throughout every room. When we moved in I had explored the place from top to bottom and found a great antique walnut bed in the attic that I refinished for my son’s room with the landlords permission. Beautiful vintage pieces found their way into the house as I scoured tiny shops and garage sales, and in no time it felt like home. Of all the places I have lived, before or since, it has remained my favorite. Long before 'Law of Attraction' teachings were popularized I had intuitively used those principals to step into the life I was living here with my children. It felt amazing to actually walk within a reality I had spent so much heart-felt emotion imagining.
Walking deeper into the pasture I noticed a small rise in the distance and what looked like old iron fencing that had fallen in a bent and tangled heap. Curious, I moved toward the area, climbing the gradual incline through the thick grass. To my surprise I found myself surrounded by what seemed to be a long forgotten family cemetery. Because I am one of those strange beings that happen to love old cemeteries, I was fascinated by my discovery. I walked around the fencing and through headstones that ranged in dates from just before the turn of the last century through the mid-1900’s. Some were ornate marble works of art with precise engraving and designs carved into them. Others were crude blocks of cement with a single name that had been scratched into the near dry concrete. Some were in German and some in English.
Reading the headstones I could decipher, it was evident many generations had come to rest in this hallowed ground. What was also evident was the human drama that had been played out upon this land. Some epitaphs suggested young women had died in childbirth, and there were many children’s graves. Seemingly taken by fevers and various epidemics, in one section several siblings were clustered together as one by one the dates revealed they had lost their battles. I was greatly moved by the bittersweet, and devastatingly sad epitaphs. As a mother myself I could only imagine burying one child after another only weeks and sometimes days apart. The grief was as palpable as if the parents themselves surrounded me. Pushing aside the encroaching weeds and tall grass that covered much of the engraving, stone after stone became a math quiz as I deciphered the years between birth and death dates. The lack of longevity was apparent among those buried there. Only occasionally would I find someone past their sixties.
At the center of the mound, shade from a large tree blanketed the grave sites. Leaning against it, I looked out across the surrounding beauty of this land. In every direction, rolling hills and aging trees seemed to bare witness to a history I could only imagine. Moving to the edge of the cemetery, away from the stones and out past the fencing, I stood on the rise and gazed down at one of the ponds in the distance. I was filled with thoughts of all those that had come before me. Their hopes and dreams of family life, love and accomplishment, as well as their joys and sorrows were not so different than mine. My mind wandered to the the Native Americans who once occupied and had been driven off this land long ago, the settlers that had followed them, and later the immigrant farmers. First generation Americans born and buried here filled my mind as down through the years I moved closer and closer toward my own time. Gratitude filled me as I became profoundly aware of how blessed I was to call this wonderful place home. With healthy children, loving family, dear friends and work I was passionate about, I felt rich beyond measure. All hardship and loneliness fell away. Something inside me knew my life had purpose and that I was aligned with a type of unseen guidance. In that moment, just as I had given into the loneliness the night before, I gave in to the intuitive wisdom within me. In an act of absolute surrender I raised my face to the sky, closed my eyes, and with heartfelt sincerity whispered, “If it is your will that I be alone for the rest of my life, I accept that.” I had turned my will and my life over to a power greater than the small personality self that I, all too often, believed myself to be.
In a sudden sweep of all consuming expansion that I can only describe as timeless suspension, I was shifted into a state of revelation beyond this world. Freed from my limited physical aspect, I became awareness itself! It was as if the universe had been stilled. I was, at once, everything and nothing at all. I was literally at one with all that had come before me and with all that would ever follow. I was limitless, unbound and expansive beyond measure. I was in everything and everything was in me. Understanding filled me, as absolute truth replaced perception. In that very instant I knew beyond any doubt that this palpable wholeness was and is who I am…who we all are. Not separate beings, struggling to survive, but limitless oneness, complete and whole. I was experiencing my own higher minds awareness in magnificent, multi-dimensional expansion. Then, just as swiftly, I was back ‘inside’ my limited, physical state of being. But the message continued and revelation unfolded as it gently showed me what I have come to know as ‘the extraordinary nature of ordinary life’. Shaken and awestruck, I looked down and discovered that I was unknowingly straddling a crudely etched concrete marker, nearly buried in the ground. It bore a single name….my name!
In disbelief, I stooped to run my fingers slowly across the letters of my last name. Tears filled my eyes and I knew that a part of me had just died on that spot and was forever buried. I also knew that I would never be lonely again. I was forever changed and this change had been birthed by way of such complete surrender it was beyond any decision or mental exercise. From the moment I released all the pent up sorrow and struggle, and allowed myself to collapse in a heap of tears on my living room floor the night before, to the moment I was moved to turn my tiny will and my limited life over to the will of All-That-Is, I had unknowingly stepped into a state of complete and total alignment with the rest of me…my higher/expanded self! My surrender was met with an expansion into the Oneness that it is, as the tiny aspect that I believed myself to be died. My awareness had expanded and I knew I was now living from a completely different perspective. I no longer needed a partner to be complete. I was complete. I was whole. I was changed. Everything became more alive for me because I was more alive.
Two weeks later, the man who was to become my husband walked into my life. So matched were we, that only thirty-nine days passed from first date to marriage. He loved my farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, and my story of how I had surrendered the will of my personality so that my higher/expanded aspect could prepare me for someone like him; a mystic, a shaman and a teacher like none I had ever known. Surrender’s gift is that it introduces us to who we truly are, and then it aligns us with people, places and timelines that are waiting for our expanded awareness. From there we can move deeper into the expression of all that we truly are. Phil opened doors in my mind that I didn’t even know were there. He gave me the freedom and encouragement to walk through every one of them and he delighted in the gifts I found there. I gave him love and appreciation and just enough prodding to encourage and validate the gifts in him he was unable to see. Skeptics may discount my experience and nay-sayers will give no credence to the notion that my surrender brought Phil into my life. But I will always believe that our’s was truly a match made in Heaven; surrender’s gift!
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