7- Creative Intervention

7- Creative Intervention

Phil provided the foundation for me to dive deeply into the larger questions of life while pursuing my creative side.  Not only did he love being surrounded by the energy of an artist, he truly enjoyed the long philosophical discussions and spiritual questioning I constantly brought to the table.  In our marriage we were truly best friends and I had never known this in my life.  We  also loved working together and were one of those rare couples who preferred to be together all the time.   Frustrated with my blocked creativity, I once told Phil I felt like I needed to waste 100 canvases to just get past the feeling.  His response was to agree, support me in creating a proper studio, and promptly fill it with canvases and whatever else I needed to break free of my limitations.  This was quintessential Phil! However, neither of us could have known the stage he was setting for the mystical experience that would birth my journey into what I have come to call Creative Introspection.

In the early days of my new marriage I continued my introspective work, dredging up those issues I felt were limiting my life.  It was hard work and it estranged me from my extended family as I delved into childhood issues that threatened those unwilling to explore the past through a functional lens.  This was taking an emotional toll on me as I came to terms with the family dynamics that had contributed to my feelings of abandonment and shame.  My spiritual mantra of ‘Lead me into all truth.’ was painted across every aspect of my life and it served me well even though it disconnected me for a time from those I loved.  

One night I awoke in the wee hours of the morning.  Pitch darkness surrounded the beautiful old farmhouse in the middle of nowhere that Phil now shared with us.  Having leased the place sometime before meeting Phil, he often teased that he married me for the farm.  We loved the place and its quiet, peaceful surroundings.  As I slipped from bed, making my way through the darkness like a blind woman who knew every nook and cranny of the room, it felt as though something beyond me was moving me along.  I knew I wasn’t wide awake but it seemed like I was being led as I experienced myself from two points of view; subject and observer.  

I entered the new art studio which was just off the bedroom, and began to set up one of the new, larger canvas’ for painting.  Still in this strange, unfamiliar state of being, I watched myself fill a pallet with oils paints and marveled at the colors being chosen.  One part of me was curiously watching what another part of me was doing, but the two aspects were only slightly connected.  I had never experienced anything quite like this before and it intrigued my curious nature so I trusted it.  I was not being ‘taken over’, I was experiencing an expanded state of awareness and being.  

Hours flew like minutes as a painting filled the large canvas I had placed on the easel.  Only the morning sun streaming through the studio window alerted me to how much time had passed.  As the sunlight and the awareness of time shifted me, I was suddenly wide awake, fully integrated and absolutely astounded at what had happened.  Unable to take my eyes off the painting, I backed toward a small sofa in the room as huge waves of deep emotion rippled through me.  I simultaneously laughed and cried from the depth of my being at the realization that I was being healed.  A flood of energy was moving through me as I stared at the painting which had also come through me.  In every way the painting was symbolic of the journey I had taken through life.  As I stared at it, it functioned as a sort of archetypal life review.  It spoke to me from an energetic level validating every emotion and every wound I had ever suffered.  It brought forgiveness to everything I ever held against myself and it freed me in ways impossible to explain.  This energetic exchange went on for about a half an hour as everyone else slept.  It left me refreshed and reborn somehow.  Renewed, I felt a freedom I had never experienced in my thirty-five years of life.  What was this that had transpired in the dark stillness of the night, I wondered.  What spiritual connection was there between creative energy and self-realization?  My head was swimming as Phil emerged from the bedroom.  

I could hardly contain myself as I shared with him what had happened to me.  We made coffee and talked for hours as we sat before the painting in my studio.  He had no more answers than I, but he could see the change.  It was obvious, and he could feel it.  My pursuit of an art career was shifted that day.  Now I was propelled to understand the connection between creativity and spirituality as it applies to self-realization.  My life’s work in psycho-spiritual healing had now merged with my lifelong creative impulses and I began to see everything I had ever created in a new light.  Songs that had simply come through me, volumes of poetry that had written themselves and gotten me through some of the most difficult times of my life were suddenly understood in light of this energetic experience.  

Using creative energy to spiritually understand ourselves and heal was now my focus.  Over time I was guided to the realization that creativity can serve as a healing conduit because we are creative energy incarnate!  Therefore, when we direct our focus to the larger questions in life, (Who am I, Where did I come from, and what am I doing here?), opening a creative avenue is like opening a portal through which our answers can flow to us…from us; our higher self!  From this day forward my art and my awakening were inextricably tied.  The answers that flow through the end of my paintbrush and pen have profoundly moved, inspired and awakened me.  While I have won awards and had opportunities to pursue a traditional career in the arts, those arenas never captured my passion.  Spiritual awakening and enlightenment was always at the forefront for me.  That it merged into my unwavering creative indulgences has been a gift beyond measure.  But that is what life gives you when you give yourself to life rather than the distractions of life; gifts beyond measure.

Some refer to creative experiences like these as channeling.  I myself once accepted that term for lack of understanding what was really happening.  Today I realize that I was simply tapping into a frequency of my own infinite being which allowed for higher exchanges of information to come through.  There is quite a difference between giving oneself over to ‘another’, as one who channels does, and aligning with one’s own higher aspect.  The first sets up and continues the idea of separation and dependence.  The later is freeing and revelatory as it connects oneself to their infinite nature.  I have experienced again and again how creative energy serves as a wonderful conduit for connecting to one’s higher-self.  When I tie this to my personal quest for ongoing enlightenment it never fails me.

8- Poetic Justice

8- Poetic Justice

Writing has always been a creative outlet for me.  I love the way words can be shaped into short poignant arrows that get straight to the point while carrying an emotional impact.  This naturally attracted me to poetry and song lyrics. Having grown up in a musical family with relatives of some note in the industry, learning to play the guitar and write songs was as natural to me as gardening is to a farm family. Poems and lyrics seemingly flowed through me as if I was merely an extension of the pen in my hand.  Of course, I only wrote when I was moved to do so and this tended to be during times of inner reflection or personal distress.  Writing was a comfort as much as a joy.  Only in retrospect did I come to understand it as a powerful portal for tapping into the higher/expanded awareness that I am!

In my mid-thirties the profound metaphysical experience I wrote about in the story Creative Intervention introduced me to the nature of creative energy itself as a portal for illumination and healing.   Because of this experience I came to understand my previous writings in a new light.  Sprinkled like fairy dust across my life, the transformational energy of the things I had written years before in the form of blank verse, had soothed and comforted me through broken hearts, dashed hopes and shattered dreams.  Inspired words had led me away from devastation and awakened me to insight and revelation.  I can’t emphasize how bewildering it was to look at a finished writing and wonder where the words had come from.  For years these poems simply appeared on pages as if I was taking dictation.  Retrospectively I realized this was no small thing and I began to intentionally use creative energy to understand the deeper meanings of life.  

Eventually I directed all of my creative pursuits to spiritual awakening and personal understanding.  Those around me, seeing my artwork,  always urged me to take it into the world, make a career of art and promote myself.  For a long time I was conflicted about this.  I knew I was an artist because I simply couldn’t avoid the impulses to hone my skills and create.  But I had no real desire to make a career in the arts.  The larger complexities of who we are and what we are doing here never leave me.  I am quite amazed that this doesn’t gnaw at the very fabric of most individuals, but acutely aware that it doesn’t.  How seemingly gifted and bright individuals can get so involved in a world that they don’t even know the origins of beyond myth and story truly amazes me.  Science has a ridiculous protocol that focuses on solving the riddles from within the riddles themselves, and religion is so blinded by it’s agenda based origins that it can’t even see the deities it worships are as conflicted as the worshipers themselves.  What came through my conscious engagement with creative energy were validations and illuminations that moved me closer and closer to the answers I personally sought. Interestingly they also flowed with wisdom to ensure I didn’t put my findings on others.  The poem, Out Of The Woods is a good example of that.

OUT OF THE WOODS
We are not
wandering together
lost in a dark, dense wood.

We are,
each of us,
the dark, dense wood
in which we are lost.

The sooner we stop listening to
those calling from the edge
of their perceived freedom,
the sooner we will discover
our own.

It is an inner path....solitary
but with common perspectives
that fool many into believing
it is a shared journey.

Unfortunately, knowing this doesn't mean
I am out of the woods yet....
but remembering it keeps me from
calling to you from the edges.

I share this little piece to emphasize two things I have come to realize.  First, using symbolism to illustrate my perspective, I hold that there is only one self awakening from a dream or notion of separation, but there are as many journeys as there are individual points of view. In other words, all of the individuals in my human experience, including myself, are in reality, fragments of the one self we all share, each holding different perspectives.  We are not suppose to all think alike because we each bring a different perspective.  Sharing and embracing the differences in our perspectives facilitate an opportunity to heal the one self of all it’s misperceptions.  But this is the really cool part, and the second thing I want to emphasize, when I awaken my personal misperceptions through compassionate non-judgement, I awaken from the dream of separation altogether, regardless if anyone else does or not!  Because the dream of separation doesn’t really exist!  I have come to realize that my enlightenment is not contingent upon anyone else awakening.  This is why, as the poem says, there is no benefit in calling to others from the edge of my awakening.  It is of no benefit to me in spending my time focused on the dreamers or the dream!  If I were writing this book, creating inspirational artwork, or teaching classes believing that you needed me to awaken you, I’d be spinning my wheels.  Anything I do inside the dream of separation because I believe it is my calling to heal the dreamers, is the dreams trick to keep me spinning in the belief of separation.  If instead I write and teach as part of my own awakening process, my focus is on awakening, period.  When I awake, the dream disappears and separation no longer exists. 

I do not creatively express myself for recognition or following.  This is why a career in the arts never called to me.  I create because creative energy is a powerful tool for aligning the physical and non-physical aspects of my being for the purpose of personal growth and enlightenment.  I follow the inspiration to write and teach about my experience because writing and teaching are portals for my own awakening.  As I share my inward journey I am as curious to know about yours.  But not to compare and argue which is right or wrong!  Rather to revel in the midst of a fellow traveler healing yet another aspect of the one self we each represent.  In this we get to enjoy the dream together as we joyfully shake ourselves awake from it.  

I have found that aiming my creative energy toward the deeper questions of life and my personal conundrums always leads to resolution. This is the type of creative community I’d love to see emerge, instead of one focused on awards, recognition or getting lost in the distraction of making ‘stuff’.  But that will only emerge the more we tire of the dreams we spin and long for deeper understanding.  I played in those arenas of awards and recognition enough to experience this crossroads and it ushered in a huge turning point in my life.

As an artist encouraged to participate in the art world, I saw how it functioned.  How it keeps the dreamer focused on the dream.  Recognition, awards, accolades and accomplishments are powerful voices calling out to a limited self-perception.  This is true of all systems in the dream world, not just the art world.  At one point there were two voices in me vying for attention.  One wanting to be validated within the dream of this world, and one that longed to awaken me from the dream of this world.  I knew if I chose the art world I would be feeding the voice that lived within the dream; the ego.  I saw how insidiously the art world fed this voice, moving the individual between various degrees of success or failure.  Wrapping individuals up in reaching for more, better, best.  I saw the class system at work as well.  The leaders and the followers.  It was a grand game and one I could see myself doing well in if I focused my energy there.  If I fed the voice seeking recognition and accomplishment it would indeed flourish. I had already experienced a taste of it and it was certainly captivating.  But I didn’t want to be held captive.  I also knew that if I did focus my attention there, eventually I would not be able to hear the voice attempting to awaken me from the ego’s dream; freeing me from captivity.  I had to choose which of the two voices I wanted to follow.  

The choice wasn’t difficult but it was isolating.  The art world was a huge, exciting community for those driven to create.  The spiritual community focused on awakening from the dream of separation is not only minuscule in comparison, but it is also not necessarily aligned with an artistic community.  So, for a while, I did my own thing while occasionally playing with others in the art world.  Then I dropped the art world and purely focused my creativity on my own awakening.  

I believe the art world, like all systems in the dream serve those within it.  Those playing there will only stay as long at it does.  It is like church or anything else for those truly on a spiritual journey.  We only stay as long as we are being fed.  Asking myself what aspect I was nourishing made all the difference in my choice.  Respecting creative energy enough to hone incredible skills, then focusing that energy as a tool for accessing a portal for illumination and healing is the path I have most enjoyed.  It is the one I share because I learn and awaken as I do.  Writing, painting, sculpting and stitching are the lenses I use to peer deep into the mystery.  What I find there are always aspects of illumination waiting to be born.  I have been told repeatedly that when it comes to spiritual matters there are some things we just can’t know.  I have come to realize that is because there is not a ‘we’, there is only an ‘I’.  It has been my experience that when I focus my creative energy toward a spiritual truth I want to know, the answer is always revealed!  I have also come to understand that this is the truth ‘we’ must each discover for ourselves.